Detachment From a Family Member With Alcoholism

Detachment From a Family Member With Alcoholism Addiction Coping and Recovery Methods and Support Print Detachment Is Letting Go of Someone Elses Addiction Detaching can be difficult but is important for your own well-being By Buddy T facebook twitter Buddy T is an anonymous writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Learn about our editorial policy Buddy T Updated on September 19, 2019 FatCamera / Getty Images More in Addiction Coping and Recovery Methods and Support Overcoming Addiction Personal Stories Alcohol Use Addictive Behaviors Drug Use Nicotine Use For friends and family of a person dealing with alcohol or drug addiction, detachment can be a difficult concept to grasp. In the context of the Al-Anon program, detach with love  is the idea that the family has to let go of their loved ones problem. It gives you permission to let them experience any consequences associated with their drinking or drug use and focus on your own health and well-being. The Importance of Detachment If youve dealt with someones progressive alcoholism  or drug use, it might be hard to imagine finding happiness while the substance abuse continues. This is especially true when you  have tried everything possible to keep the situation from growing worse. The stress and exhaustion associated with caring for someone with an addiction can be overwhelming. It may lead to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy behaviors or unsafe living conditions for your family. The reality of living with alcoholism or any other addiction usually means dealing with one crisis after another. While you may feel like youre constantly in rescue mode, learning to detach  relieves you of the responsibility to protect them. Those who take part in Al-Anon long enough come to realize that detachment is important for the familys emotional well-being. It also helps you understand that there is no way for you to control the addiction. What is Al-Anon? Detachment is Neither Kind Nor Unkind As the Al-Anon literature says, Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another persons alcoholism can have upon our lives. Detachment does not mean you stop loving the person and it does not mean physically leaving (unless you feel the need). Instead, it demonstrates that you dont like or approve of their behavior. It is stepping back from all the problems associated with addiction and stopping any attempts to solve them. You still care, but it is best for everyone involved if you take care of yourself first. Many times family members find that they have become too involved with the addictive behavior. The Al-Anon program teaches to put the focus on ourselves and not on the person with alcoholism or on anyone else. This is done through a number of key points that members pick up in meetings: Avoid the suffering caused by someone elses actions.Dont allow yourself to be abused or misused during recovery.Avoid doing things for them that they can do.Dont use manipulation to change their behaviors.Dont cover up their mistakes.Avoid creating or preventing a crisis, especially if its inevitable and may be the wake-up call they need. For example, if your family member shows up for work late or missing it entirely becomes a habit, detachment teaches you that its not your responsibility to cover for him. It also applies to making excuses and  trying to fix situations, as well as avoiding arguments. By putting the focus back on yourself, you protect yourself from the abusive behavior and stop enabling it. Its a way of taking some of the power away from them so theyre not able to manipulate you. How to Stop Enabling an Addict Ideally, detaching from this person will help them see how their negative behavior affects everyone around them. Thats not always the outcome. Yet, as Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous teach, its important to have the wisdom to know the difference between the things you can and cant change.   Does Detachment Really Help? When youre considering detachment, you might be concerned about what happens to your loved one after you detach yourself from them. Maybe you think all of the  things you did over these years to help that will be wasted. Or, you might have fears about what crisisâ€"jail, hospitalization, death, etc.â€"may be next. Your concerns are valid and show your love and dedication to a person dealing with addiction. However, you have to put yourself and your familyâ€"especially if that family includes childrenâ€"first.   As Al-Anon teaches, Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible. Al-Anon members also learn that no individual is responsible for another persons disease or recovery from it. This is very difficult and, on the clearheaded side of addiction, you probably know what should or should not happen, but this logic is lost to the person with the disease. They need to want to change themselves and find the help needed to do that. Your goal is to be there when they do need you and to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually strong when theyre ready for recovery. When you learn to detach, you can find relief from much of the pain, stress, and anxiety, and realize that you deserve to treat yourself right. This will not happen overnight. It requires time, a lot of patience and  love, and support to help you along the way.  As they say in the program, Its simple, but it aint easy. You dont have to do it alone.   A Word From Verywell There is probably an  Al-Anon Family Group meeting  nearby where you will find people who understand what youre going through. Its by no means an easy process to detach from a loved one with an addiction, so dont try to go it alone. By sharing your experience with others who have been there, you can find strength and hope to help you better deal with the situation. Can Tough Love Help or Hurt Someone With Addiction?